What I learned yesterday night after a visit to the supermarket

[quislibet]

Marilyn Monroe was a vampire, apparently, explaining, among other things, her transformation from Norma Jean. She had to wear heavy sunblock. Joltin' Joe once tried to stake her with a sharpened baseball bat when he learned the awful truth, but couldn't bring himself to follow through, and so they merely got a divorce. J. Edgar Hoover finally had her killed (injected with holy water) so she wouldn't turn the President and Attorney General into soulless undead monsters. But one notes both Kennedys were assassinated within a few years, so perhaps it was too late.

J.: "If JFK was a vampire, how did bullets do any good?"
Me: "Well, I'm sure he hadn't bothered to put any sunblock on his brain."

Other celebrity vampires include Cary Grant (real name: Archie *Leach*) and Marlene Dietrich. Rock Hudson (made a vampire by James Dean) contracted AIDS from a victim, not a gay lover.

In other undead news, we learn that vampires are running rampant in the Congo, and that an army of zombies assisted in the coup in Haiti.

Finally, the Titanic was sunk by a Japanese sub (via time warp), having a bad hair day is the cause of one in three fatal shootings, Laura Bush may be pregnant (they missed an opportunity to combine that with the neanderthal baby story on the previous page), gay marriage should be mandatory so they won't hit on normal people, and yes, indeed, Robert in Eugene, Goldie the Goldfish IS your reincarnated wife.


I wish there really were a book on Hoover's secret war against the undead. I would, like, so totally read that.

Comments

[quislibet.livejournal.com]

I get it from time to time when there's a particularly striking headline. Good stuff.

[quislibet.livejournal.com]

In this latest issue (there's now a comic strip) he poses AS Osama for some reason.

The musical ran in Boston for a while, but I never got a chance to see it. Alas.

[lilithraevyn.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I get the urge to write a book... Hoover's Secret War on the Undead would be perfect.

[quislibet.livejournal.com]

Well, if you do, let me know!

[cnoocy]

That would be a great campaign in the vampire/vampire-slaying RPG of your choice.

[quislibet.livejournal.com]

Indeed! Communist vampires everywhere!

[quislibet.livejournal.com]

That is a wise goal, even if it limits career opportunities.

[sorceror.livejournal.com]

Hey, what about that "Million Nerd March" I see up in the corner?

That deserves mention. And why didn't I hear about it? 8^(

[quislibet.livejournal.com]

Alas, that was one of the lamer pieces in the issue.

But it's set for June 5, apparently.

Demands include:

- More funding for science
- Sex ed classes must teach girls that nerds are more desirable mates
- Federal ban on communal showers

[(Anonymous)]

I want some of that Marilyn/vampire sunblock! If I can get a sunburn even with SPF 45, imagine the necessary potency of her UV blocking concoction.

Sara

[quislibet.livejournal.com]

It's probably classified information -- if non-vampires started getting hold of that sunblock, it would be harder for the government to track real vampires based on their purchases with supermarket rewards cards.