LACTOR

Trying to clean out my inbox a bit, I came upon a book review (from an e-mail list of classical studies reviews) of a book I'll want to check out at some point (which is why I saved the e-mail message).

Anyway, I just wanted to say that the book in question is in the LACTOR series and the review is by a certain Dr. Fear.

That's "London Association of Classical Teachers - Original Records," and A. T. Fear of the University of Manchester is someone I'd heard of before, but together it sounds like we're talking about a monster made by a mad scientist.

Or at least reviewed by a mad scientist in Mad Science Journal for his peers:

"LACTOR, 'the Breast Beast from Beyond,' is, I am sorry to say, not up to the high standards we have naturally come to expect from Professor Midnight [= M]. Still best known for the creation of the terrifying hermaphroditic LUG when he was still an undergraduate at MSIT, M. has now followed the fascination for secondary sexual characteristics inherent in his early work to an absurd extreme..."

For mishak

O pueri, paratus sum ad surgendum ut meam rem conficiam. Volo conficere, amice, ut scis.... In modo, in modo machinae sexualis, amice, movens, faciens, ut scis. Licetne numerare? (Age)

Unus, duo, tres, quattuor!

Surge, adsurge. Surge, adsurge. Remane in scaenis in modo machinae sexualis.

Mane: bracchiam quate, utere forma. Remane in scaenis in modo machinae sexualis. Necesse est te affectum quendam habere; illud est tam certum quam hoc, quod natus es. Confice: bene, bene.

Surge, adsurge.....

Necesse est, inquam, te affectum quendam habere. Da mihi febrem frigido in sudore. Ut mihi placet, sic est; meum habeo, de re eius nil interest.

Adsurge, quate illud quo nummos mereas. Quate illud quo nummos mereas.

( Get up, get on up )

Things that vex at the laundromat, not laundry-related

Dear Boston-Globe-writing person,

First off, okay, fine, "Dukin' doughnuts" was mildly clever. But for the sub-headline, you blew it.

You might have said (although it still would have been lame), "Krispy Kreme heats up a doughnut war." Or, possibly, something about a "glaze of glory." Other possibilities include lines involving "Boston Kreme" or "making dough" or perhaps even a mediocre play on "whole"/"hole."

Instead, this is what you said:

"Setting off a war of glazed proportions, Krispy Kreme enters Dunkin' territory."

WTF?! "Glazed proportions" isn't even a pun! It's just stupid!